White Lady Confessional The podcast

18 Things We Do Without Meaning To

These are habits many of us learned inside white supremacist patriarchy, a system that concentrates power, rewards extraction, normalizes hierarchy, and weakens collective responsibility.

Naming them isn't about shame. It's where the practice starts.

We Check Out

Practice instead Showing Up

  • Apathy

    I just don't really follow politics.

    Disengaging from civic life, which normalizes powerlessness and lets harmful systems persist.

  • Cynicism

    Nothing ever changes, so why bother?

    Distrusting every institution and collective effort, which undermines solidarity before it starts.

  • Nihilism

    It's all broken. What difference could I make?

    Believing nothing matters and no action can create change, so shared values feel meaningless.

We Look Out for Ourselves

Practice instead Mutual Care

  • Individualism

    I worked hard for what I have.

    Treating success and failure as purely personal, and not seeing the structures and head starts behind them.

  • Narcissism

    Let me tell you about all the anti-racism work I do.

    Putting our image and importance ahead of mutual responsibility, even in our activism.

  • Addictive Behaviors

    I need a glass of wine before I can deal with the news.

    Seeking relief through consumption, scrolling, or shopping in place of connection and care.

We Protect Our Comfort

Practice instead Staying in the Discomfort

  • White Fragility

    I feel really attacked right now.

    Turning a conversation about harm into one about our hurt feelings, so others end up comforting us.

  • Niceness as a Shield

    Let's not make this political.

    Using politeness and positivity to avoid conflict, which keeps things exactly as they are.

  • Trading on Proximity

    I'll just ask to speak to the manager.

    Going along with patriarchy in exchange for the protection and access whiteness gives us.

We Set the Standard

Practice instead Belonging

  • Identity

    People like us don't do that.

    Prioritizing group distinction, which reinforces hierarchy and competition over collective belonging.

  • White Centering

    Can we keep this comfortable for everyone?

    Treating white experiences, norms, and comfort as the default everyone else is measured against.

  • Tone Policing

    I'd listen if you said it more calmly.

    Making people meet our standards of speech or behavior before they deserve to be heard, safe, or respected.

We Take Charge

Practice instead Sharing Power

  • Paternalism

    I know what's best for them.

    Believing some people should direct others' lives, which limits shared decision-making.

  • White Saviorism

    I just felt called to help those kids.

    Keeping control of the solutions and the credit while appearing generous, positioning ourselves as heroes rather than partners.

  • Authoritarianism

    Rules are rules.

    Preferring control and obedience over participation, dissent, and accountability.

We Give Up on People

Practice instead Shared Humanity

  • Disposability

    Some people are just lost causes.

    Writing people off as beyond repair instead of investing in accountability and change.

  • Accelerationism

    Maybe it all just needs to burn down.

    Believing worsening crises or collapse will lead somewhere better, while others bear the suffering.

  • Dehumanization

    Those people don't deserve our help.

    Reducing people to categories, labor, or value, which removes the barriers to exploitation and harm.

Or… we keep showing up for each other.

Community is a shared commitment to each other's humanity, to collective joy, and to the ongoing work of care. The goal isn't simply inclusion. It's self-determination, belonging, reciprocity, and shared stewardship.

  1. Notice

    Pick the one that made you wince. That's your one for this week.

  2. Name It

    Say it out loud to someone you trust. Confession loses its sting when it's shared.

  3. Practice

    Try the practice instead, then come back and tell us how it went.